Athlete

A few years ago, I had a pretty terrible blog that I would occasionally post amazingly brilliant entries to.  While I will not link to the blog (too embarrassing!), I will post the original content for your reading enjoyment.

Originally written: June 8, 2011

Yesterday, Shanna and I proved to be at true athletes by taking a bike ride with a giant group of bicyclists.  In order to prepare for and recover from such athletic endeavors, I have a few tips.

1. Make sure your equipment is in tip top shape.
For reference, here is a photo of my sweet ride:

It is a Huffy three-speed from the 70s that I bought off some dude on Craigslist. It currently will not shift back into first. So I am forced to power through on second.

2. Make sure your body is in tip top shape.
To do this, you should participate in good eating habits. Earlier in the day, I housed down a delicious meal of chicken nuggets and waffle fries from Chick-Fil-A with a Gatorade as my beverage. To restore my electrolytes of course. You should also practice regular stretching by sprawling out on your couch for at least two hours every night.

3. Wear the right outfit.
You want everyone to know you’re burning up a sweat, so wear a shirt that will show it. A t-shirt in a light enough color should be good. Make sure it’s fitted enough to really soak up that perspiration. Jorts are also encouraged. Because they look cool.

4. Don’t plan ahead.
What started out as a casual bike ride to grab a few drinks and sit outside turned into a bike cruise when we ran into a couple of people we know. There was no time to be psyched out, allowing your body to just react without having to think too much. Also, you don’t have enough time to come up with a good excuse when someone is in front of your face.

5. Hydrate before hand.
After being roped into this bike ride, it was important that we get our insides perfectly hydrated. Obviously this meant quickly slamming a Miller High Life immediately before embarking.

6. Know your place.
As amateurs to the scene, we knew we should probably hang to the back and pace ourselves. That way, we could pant encouraging words to one another without having to shout and exert ourselves even more. Also, no one could see us struggling. Or looking really cool. It’s one of those two things.

7. Know when to quit.
We totally kicked ass at bike riding, until a gigantic hill proved to be too steep. We ditched the group and walked our bikes to the top of the hill, legs trembling. By then everyone was long gone, and we could breathe through our mouths without fear of looking like assholes.

8. Hydrate post athletic conquest.
Your body will be depleted post exercise, so it is important to stop at a bar on the way home. We indulged in waters and Modelo Especials to replenish ourselves and cool down.

9. Never stop talking about your athleticism
As you’re coming down from your exercise high, you should never stop talking about how you just rode your bike for 20 minutes and are sweating like a pig and are a total and complete athlete now. This will keep your endorphins up and help you burn just a little bit more. It will also remind everyone around you that they are inferior because they did not just participate in feats of athleticism like you did.

Shanna and I did this by posting this picture of me on Facebook to let everyone know that we had participated in sport and are awesome for it:

10. Take a few days off
You don’t want to over do it, so make sure you take a few days off after your quest to let your body bounce back. I will probably not take a bike ride until tomorrow, when I plan on going to Recovery Room to get wasted off of Gray Goose and pineapple juice and play naked lady Mega Touch.

Being an athlete is hard work, but it’s awesome. With these tips, you can live this amazing lifestyle. Good luck.

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